I hesitate to complain, but I've been depressed lately. I want this whole cancer thing to end, but it doesn't. It just goes on and on and on.
I'm still really fatigued, and it frustrates me. I'm so tired, I just want to stay home in bed and watch tv all day. Of course, with three little kids, that's not an option.
My feet hurt like crazy. From what I can tell, it feels a lot like arthritis. I thought is was an injury. But the doctors have concluded that it is a side effect of tamoxifen (the oral meds I have to take for another four years). Although I have avoided the menopause-type side effects, I'm experiencing the common bone and joint pain associated with that drug.
I also recently experienced lymphedema. It has been over a year since my surgery and I thought I was out of the woods. The Saturday after Thanksgiving I woke up with a swollen hand, and sausage fingers. Once again, I hoped it was an injury. But the doctors said it is indeed lymphedema: swelling due to the removal of lymph nodes. It's ugly and uncomfortable.
I try not to let these setbacks get to me, but they do.
I want to feel healthy and be able to function at a normal level. I'm tired of being exhausted and feeling 30 years older than I am.
I find myself giving in to discouragement. With that, my faith is weakened. I feed my flesh with the food of self-pity. And that opens the door to all kinds of evil thoughts and unbelief. My heart grows cold.
[Therefore beware] brethren, take care, lest there be in any one of you a wicked, unbelieving heart [which refuses to cleave to, trust in, and rely on Him], leading you to turn away and desert or stand aloof from the living God...
~Hebrews 3:12 (AMP)
These are the moments when it is important to have friends, to be a part of the beautiful body of Christ.
And it is important to be honest with those friends.
Friends who will come alongside you,
who will encourage and uplift,
who will warn and rebuke,
who will help align your thoughts with the word of God,
and who will "wrestle in prayer for you." (Colossians 4:12)
But instead warn (admonish, urge, and encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called Today, that none of you may be hardened [into settled rebellion] by the deceitfulness of sin [by the fraudulence, the stratagem, the trickery which the delusive glamor of his sin may play on him].
~Hebrews 3:13 (AMP)
Thankfully, I am blessed with many of those types of friends, who remind me where to put my hope and where to find my strength and joy.
The picture posted above is the most cheerful bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. They arrived at my house today, from a dear friend who knew I was feeling down.