Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Shine

I've never gotten angry about having cancer.
I've never said, "It's not fair."
I've maintained a pretty good attitude and I've yielded willingly as I have given up one thing after another.
Until today.
Today I got really angry.
Today I cried, "It's not fair."
Haven't I given up enough?
Do I really have to give up this?
Something so close to my heart.
Something I've been unwilling to even consider.

My heart breaks. It may seem trivial to some.
When it's your choice, sacrifice is hard.
When the choice is taken from you, hard doesn't even begin to describe it.

I've wanted to homeschool as long as I can remember, long before I was even a parent. My favorite thing about parenting is teaching. I love it! I love the way they learn so quickly and how it brings them so much joy. It's the one part of parenting that comes easily to me. I don't even need a curriculum. Tell me what they need to know and I will come up with a fast and fun way for them to learn.

My oldest starts first grade this year. I made a plan. I bought everything I needed. I've been working for months getting ready. Unfortunately my strength has been declining. I kept thinking it would get better. I've tried everything, to no avail.

I heard that small voice in my head, "Put him in public school."
No. No way.
I went through all the arguments.
But still, the thought kept nagging me.
I finally admitted to myself that no matter how many great ambitions I have, I lack the energy and patience to homeschool. My home is currently not the best environment for my children to thrive.
I'm still in survival mode. Just barely getting by. Just doing the minimum.

So after three days of angst, I registered him for school.
It's not that big of a deal, right?
Well, it is for me.
Goodbye dream. I hope we meet again soon.

I told my son he was going to school. He had mixed feelings at first.
Then I said to him, "Remember Matthew 5:16?"
We quoted it together.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father in heaven.
"Now is your chance to shine." I told him.
His face lit up and he broke out in a big smile.
"I know, Mom."

3 comments:

  1. Steph, my heart brakes for you. I'm so sorry. But the Lord will guide you, guide Kedrick and shine through him.

    Love you.

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  2. Oh Steph....so hard, I know. But the Lord knows more. And he will guide you. This day He did! He will continue to. In the meantime, I am praying for your energy. You are such a selfless mama to have admitted that Kedrick needs something else this year. I am praying that your dream comes to fruition soon. I love how you reminded Kedrick of God's light through him! That is my prayer for him and his classmates as well. Love you dear friend! Hang in there. The peace of God is saving!

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  3. When it's your choice, sacrifice is hard.
    When the choice is taken from you, hard doesn't even begin to describe it.

    I keep thinking of these two sentences. Someone else said this to me during a trial she was going through. You explain that so well. My prayers are with you, Steph!!! Let me know how Kedrick's first days have gone! How is his teacher? Do you really stalk him. ;o) Let me know if you want me to stalk him, too! :o) Just kidding. The Lord will take the best care of him! I do have a little school package for him...a little birthday lateness, but thought it might still come in handy! Can i bring it by tomorrow?

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