I've never gotten angry about having cancer.
I've never said, "It's not fair."
I've maintained a pretty good attitude and I've yielded willingly as I have given up one thing after another.
Today I got really angry.
Today I cried, "It's not fair."
Haven't I given up enough?
Do I really have to give up this?
Something so close to my heart.
Something I've been unwilling to even consider.
My heart breaks. It may seem trivial to some.
When it's your choice, sacrifice is hard.
When the choice is taken from you, hard doesn't even begin to describe it.
I've wanted to homeschool as long as I can remember, long before I was even a parent. My favorite thing about parenting is teaching. I love it! I love the way they learn so quickly and how it brings them so much joy. It's the one part of parenting that comes easily to me. I don't even need a curriculum. Tell me what they need to know and I will come up with a fast and fun way for them to learn.
My oldest starts first grade this year. I made a plan. I bought everything I needed. I've been working for months getting ready. Unfortunately my strength has been declining. I kept thinking it would get better. I've tried everything, to no avail.
I heard that small voice in my head, "Put him in public school."
No. No way.
I went through all the arguments.
But still, the thought kept nagging me.
I finally admitted to myself that no matter how many great ambitions I have, I lack the energy and patience to homeschool. My home is currently not the best environment for my children to thrive.
I'm still in survival mode. Just barely getting by. Just doing the minimum.
So after three days of angst, I registered him for school.
It's not that big of a deal, right?
Well, it is for me.
Goodbye dream. I hope we meet again soon.
I told my son he was going to school. He had mixed feelings at first.
Then I said to him, "Remember Matthew 5:16?"
We quoted it together.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father in heaven.
"Now is your chance to shine." I told him.
His face lit up and he broke out in a big smile.
"I know, Mom."