Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Reconstruction?

Reconstruction.
People ask me about it, and those who don't ask are probably wondering.

Everyone does it. Insurance pays for it.

Yet, I walk around deformed, completely flat-chested. My only attempts to hide it are with loose, ruffled clothing.

I often wonder what people think, if they even notice.

Most of the time I'm okay with it. Other times, deep emotions come to the surface. Feelings of being "damaged goods" - my femininity stripped from me, being oddly different from everyone else of my gender.

Reconstruction.
It would be purely cosmetic. The nerves on the surface are gone. The muscles underneath are still tight and sore.
The process is not fun. It is not the same as the augmentation so many women get. Reconstruction after a mastectomy entails months and months of procedures and doctor's appointments, discomfort and pain.

Even just one more day of pain, one more day of having my responsibilities put upon others, one more day of not being able to hold and cuddle my kids, is not okay. There is nothing that would make me willingly choose that path.
Prosthetics are horribly uncomfortable, maybe because I am so active. They move around into awkward positions.
There is no good solution.
There is no decision that stands out as the right one.
None of the options satisfy.

My deformity is a harsh, severe reminder of the seriousness of cancer. Life goes back to normal, but the scars remain, permanently. At times, they keep me from moving on, drawing my focus off the future, off my hope, and into the realm of the "what ifs."
I can't go there. I won't go there. I won't allow fear to steal a single moment from me.

Instead, I let my scars remind me...
of a God who is faithful to draw near in our darkest moments
of the lessons I learned that I don't want to forget
that beauty really does come from within.

So I wear my scars with confidence, remembering the scars of my Savior. Remembering the One who suffered so much more than I.

"For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." ~1 Samuel 16:7b

4 comments:

  1. It is only in walking with Jesus that scars can be so very healing. Thank you, once again, for sharing your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Steph you are an amazing woman! God has done such a great work in you! I'm so honored to be a friend of one who trusts entirely in our Lord.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amen Steph. I love your insight and wisdom.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you Steph! I pray that every one of us will take your lead and let the remainder marks of our own trials remind of us of The God who sees us through and loves us all the while. You have such grace and beauty....of the lasting sort. Thanks for your brave and loving self. I love you!!!

    ReplyDelete