Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Rebuilding

Radiation is going well. This is my last week. The skin on my chest is burnt, red and peeling. It hasn't been bad, but I'm anxious to be done. The doctor told me that my chance of recurrence is low. Praise the Lord!

I've been busy. I feel much better and have enough energy to make it through the entire day.
I'm busy, trying to get my home back in order.
I'm busy, trying to win back my kids.
I'm busy, trying to return life to normal.

Conflicting emotions constantly bombard me, but I don't find the time to process them. I'm confronted with new struggles, new sins.

Envy.
Everything is hard. Rebuilding takes work. Baby steps. And envy whispers in my ear,
resentment
over the ease in which others achieve, even the simplest things
and their physical strength, to do what I cannot, but once could

Impatience, frustration
The hard part is behind me and I want normal, now.
And yet, I don't want to go back to normal. I want life to be different, better, less wasted, but I still lack the strength.

I should be thankful for how far I've come,
instead I get frustrated by how far I have to go.

I'm learning to trust
that God is directing my steps
that God will use my life as he desires
in his timing
and I'm right where he wants me to be

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."
~ Proverbs 3:5-6

3 comments:

  1. It was great to see you today.
    I'm thankful for your efforts in rebuilding, that you don't give up and find satisfaction in mediocrity. The Lord is working in you.
    Love you.
    katie

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  2. I love what Katie said...and it is true with you....you don't give up! You constantly push towards the YOU God has designed to be. I know this hurdle seems to be in the way, but I see you learning even in the recovery and the "getting back to new normal" and isn't this part of the refining process as well? I try to see what you have seen and I know it is impossible, but I do try to listen to every tidbit you give of your experience so that I can also grow like you.

    I LOVED seeing you today. :o) And happy that you are ending your radiation treatment.

    Love ya.
    Jen

    PS: Holland loves her fake apple and said that she is going to save up her money to buy a desk so that her apple can sit on top. :o) Who knew?!

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  3. Stephanie, we have so much in common. Though our struggles are different in appearance, what they produce in us is so very similar.

    I KNOW what you are talking about and how hard it can be to WAIT on the Lord for the change to come. do NOT let the enemy beat you up. You haven't lost anything, you've gained perspective. You've gained humility, you've gained testimony, you've gained character. You have gained so much more than the liar tells you that you've lost. And this is good because God has authored your life.

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