Saturday, December 18, 2010

First Birthday

Today is my baby girl's first birthday. It is bittersweet. We did nothing to celebrate. I spent the day in bed. I did sing happy birthday to her many times. Maybe in a couple of weeks I will feel well enough to throw her a little party.
Eva has brought me so much joy and hope this past year. And yet, I wonder how I will look back on this year. I want to put cancer behind me. I want to forget. How will I remember 2010?
Cancer, sickness, loss?
All of my precious little girl's firsts: first smile, first giggle, first steps?
Can I separate the two?
The weeks I've gone without holding her have caused much heartache.
And after all the discomfort, and all the treatments, I still think the hardest thing for me was having to wean Eva prematurely.
She did fine. God has taken good care of her. She is happy, healthy, and full of personality. All of her needs are met. I'm so thankful for that!
She won't remember any of this.
But I will. Bittersweet.


  1. Happy Birthday, beautiful Eva! You are cause for such celebration! Steph, your next year will be such a year of reflection....and you will never forget the difficult refining that took place this year. But I believe that Psalm 30:11 will soon ring true, and I pray you will anticipate the joy that lies ahead: You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. You have lost so have missed so much of your sweet Eva's first year, but what Brian is constantly reminding himself to do throughout his years of missing out on health, is to really look at what you do have/what you can do. Think of all the firsts you will be able to experience with Eva....there are a lot! The first time she grabs your hand while walking...the first time she stomps in a rain puddle, the first time she acknowledges WHO God is (and His faithfulness as told by her wise mama), the first time she asks to use your lip gloss, and the first time she runs to you with her arms wide. The first time she says, I love you. You are her mama and no one can replace you or change what you mean to her. You are irreplaceable, just as God is to us. You have every right to feel jipped....I know I would. But take heart, sweet sister, and remember God's promises in your life. Remember the way He has revealed himself to you over and over and how he has answered the prayer for your marriage and for your family....for Eva. What a gift she is. I will pray for extra strength as you endure this ongoing trial. You are so loved by our family and we pray for you daily. God has given you such bravery and faith. May God give you a safe and secure place to rest today. I love you!

  2. Rom 16:20...The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. That is the promise I felt God wanted me to give you today. love and prayers jvee

  3. Stephanie -
    I am in TOTAL agreement with the comments of the first writer here. It's all so true! Joel 2:25 promises God will restore the years that the locust have eaten. The wisdom you have gained, the insights you have shared, the beauty of your written and spoken and life-walk testimony to ALL of us ... WHAT a blessing you've been. None of this would have happened without the journey. You are a woman beyond compare. No longer who you were, but WOW, the person you've become is a handmaiden of the Lord. You have used your most precious oil to annoint the feet of Jesus this year. You have sacrificed to God and the sweet aroma has pleased Him.

    2011 is coming. New blessings. New hopes. New dreams. And, in it all -- JESUS!

    Hugs and prayers to you. Always.

    Sara Jones