Today is my baby girl's first birthday. It is bittersweet. We did nothing to celebrate. I spent the day in bed. I did sing happy birthday to her many times. Maybe in a couple of weeks I will feel well enough to throw her a little party.
Eva has brought me so much joy and hope this past year. And yet, I wonder how I will look back on this year. I want to put cancer behind me. I want to forget. How will I remember 2010?
Cancer, sickness, loss?
All of my precious little girl's firsts: first smile, first giggle, first steps?
Can I separate the two?
The weeks I've gone without holding her have caused much heartache.
And after all the discomfort, and all the treatments, I still think the hardest thing for me was having to wean Eva prematurely.
She did fine. God has taken good care of her. She is happy, healthy, and full of personality. All of her needs are met. I'm so thankful for that!
She won't remember any of this.
But I will. Bittersweet.