I'm depressed. The length of this trial is taking it's toll. The physical suffering is wearing me down. Thanksgiving was difficult. For the first time in my life I didn't feel thankful. For the last couple of weeks, as people shared what they were thankful for, and how God has blessed them, my heart filled with bitterness. I kept thinking, God must really hate me.
And even though I can look at my life and see I have been blessed with so much, thankfulness doesn't come.
I've lost everything that is important to me. The odd thing is that it is all still there, right in front of me. I get to see it, to watch it, but not partake. Every now and then I get a tiny little taste. It's some kind of slow, sick torture.
I've yielded all. No more love of this life, or love of this world. I no longer fear death. In fact, I would welcome it were it not for my three little kids. And even them I've had to detach myself from, more than any mother should.
Just four more weeks of chemo. Then radiation. It seems like eternity. I can't see past where I am right now. This moment. Frozen forever. Tears sting my eyes. My throat constricts. Will I make it through? And if so, what then? Can God heal my bitter heart? What about my doubt and hopelessness? Have I failed at trusting God? Is he still there? Or has he forgotten me?
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD ,
for he has been good to me.