Saturday, November 27, 2010

Bitterness

I'm depressed. The length of this trial is taking it's toll. The physical suffering is wearing me down. Thanksgiving was difficult. For the first time in my life I didn't feel thankful. For the last couple of weeks, as people shared what they were thankful for, and how God has blessed them, my heart filled with bitterness. I kept thinking, God must really hate me.
And even though I can look at my life and see I have been blessed with so much, thankfulness doesn't come.
I've lost everything that is important to me. The odd thing is that it is all still there, right in front of me. I get to see it, to watch it, but not partake. Every now and then I get a tiny little taste. It's some kind of slow, sick torture.
I've yielded all. No more love of this life, or love of this world. I no longer fear death. In fact, I would welcome it were it not for my three little kids. And even them I've had to detach myself from, more than any mother should.
Just four more weeks of chemo. Then radiation. It seems like eternity. I can't see past where I am right now. This moment. Frozen forever. Tears sting my eyes. My throat constricts. Will I make it through? And if so, what then? Can God heal my bitter heart? What about my doubt and hopelessness? Have I failed at trusting God? Is he still there? Or has he forgotten me?

Psalm 13
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD ,
for he has been good to me.

3 comments:

  1. Without trying to undermine how you feel, I can tell you that I'm going through the same thing, just a different version.
    This is our 4th year away from home at the holiday time. All our feelings od homesickness and unworthiness seem to be magnified 100 fold. I've been crying since Thanksgiving. I miss my family, my kids especially. I miss being mom.. Doing lam the things that make Christmas, Christmas. I go onto facebook and see the excitement brewing and I'm angry at God for sending us to this seemingly god-forsaken country. When can I go HOME???
    But then, I see the good. I see how I've grown in Him. The person I was 3 1/2 years ago really doesn't exist anymore. She's been replaced by domeone with more faith, more love for her God AND a lot more guts... Which is good considering all the things we've found ourselves doing.
    So, even though these times are dark for both of us... Take heart because our Lord has overcome it. Even though we don't feel it, we want to give up and go home...it is finished.

    I love you :)
    Sue

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  2. Ah, Steph...I will keep praying. How hard this must be, how much you must hurt, and how lonely this feels....I sure hope I'm not minimizing, but don't forget that God uses all things for good, even when you have trouble seeing the finish line. I love what your mom said in the above post...you ARE more beautiful and strong than you will ever know. Also, know that these feelings and hardships are completely normal... and God hears your desperate prayers. May God's peace completely fill you the rest of your treatment, and may His presence fill every room you enter. He is ever faithful and He is your help. Keep crying out to The One who made you. I love you!

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  3. Sweet Stephanie -- You are SO brave to reveal to all of us your innermost feelings and fears and the anguish of your soul. How tender and beautiful you are. How transparent and genuine.

    This journey ... it's been so long ... TOO long. And, so overwhelming in the weight it has placed on your shoulders.

    You are parched and thirsty and empty. You've poured out so much and have drained yourself so completely, before your family, before your friends, before your God. And, before strangers who have come to know you through your writings.

    The crushing blows you have endured, the disappointments, the physical side affects, the emotional upheavals, the mental strain ... all of it ... such a heavy heavy thing to bear.

    But, look ... there ... next to you ... YOKED beside you is Jesus. And, look there ... at the footprints in the sand ... just one set now ... not your's ... but those of Jesus ... carrying you with such love and tenderness. A shoulder to cry on, a lap to sit on, arms to hold you, tears flowing down His face ... FOR YOU ... His voice whispering to you ... "I'm here, I'm here, I'm here."

    And you sigh, and let yourself melt into Him and KNOW that (trite as it sounds) He will NOT let you face the dark alone, He will NOT leave you to wipe away your tears alone, He will not leave you to endure the pain and suffering alone. HE WILL NOT ... because He IS!

    We love you so much Stephanie. Jesus loves you more!

    Sara Jones

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