Friday, October 15, 2010

Numb

i look down and there is nothing there its so flat, board flat
and i can see my post-baby belly and it looks so much bigger than before
breasts gone and there is nothing there; no more nurturing
pale smooth skin and two lines, scars where my breasts used to be
it doesn't look that bad, not as deformed as i expected, just so flat so bony
i stand before my husband and i ask if he is sad, it is his loss too
he looks at me sadly and says no
he is sad because i don't feel sexy anymore and he is right, i don't
sometimes i feel pretty but never sexy, he still thinks i am
but i don't understand, how can i be
i'm numb, my entire chest, so many nerves damaged, no feeling
and that is how i feel sexually numb paralyzed damaged

6 comments:

  1. Feeling for you, friend. Hang in there...you are so loved! Praying that God will restore what has been lost and redeem to the very fullest and beyond!

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  2. a man's point of view, if I may. Sexy is too much more than breasts for this to be an enduring frame of mind. Damie understands that. There's superficial sexy that fades away after a man gets to know a woman, and there's real sexy that no woman loses by no longer having her breasts. And, after all, most of those things mature women do to dress up their faces, etc. are really done for other women more than they are for men.

    Dad

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  3. The passing away of what once was -- part of the grieving process as you say "good bye" ... but only a stage in time ... As you say good bye you will see you can now say HELLO to a new life -- one where there will be new (AND GOOD) discoveries for you and Damie too. You will learn to say, "I'm okay" and really mean it. You will learn to feel again -- with your heart and your mind -- because the Lord is WITH you on this journey. It reminds me of the song, long ago, by Ray Boltz ... "The Anchor Holds" in the midst of the storm, when dreams slip through our fingers, when the unexpected takes away the status quo ... the ANCHOR (Jesus Christ) holds ...

    I continue to pray for you ... day by day ... that JOY fills you to overflowing and the little things in life that mean so much surround you with a sense of comfort and well being you've never experienced before.

    In Christ ... with hugs

    Sara Jones

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  4. I'm sorry I haven't called to discuss this with you like I said I would. I will however try very soon. The song from when we were teens keeps coming to my mind "When you are a soldier...I will be your shield...I will stand with you on the battlefield...Do you remember that song? You stood with me a lot when I was a teen to help me through those times that I needed someone to stand with me. You are a dear friend and always will be even though we don't talk much. Love you girl!

    A and E

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  5. I believe the answer to this part of your experience is to focus yourself in your (and God's) love for Damie. Don't let self consciousness spoil your love feast.

    Uncle Bob

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  6. A year after coming to Israel, I had my first Gyn exam. I almost fell off the table when she asked me how long I had the fibroid. The year before, it wasn't there. Six months later they removed my uterus and a tumor the size if a small watermelon... Oh, my left ovary too.
    I grieved... I could no longer have a baby. OK, at 51 I really had no plans to have another baby, but that was my choice.
    All of a sudden, no more periods. Now, you'd think that would be a plus, but it was too soon.
    I grieved for quite a while... And I lost something inside. By God's grace, the tumor was benign. It grew so quickly because it tapped unto the ovary's blood supply.
    Things felt different. I wasn't a woman in the whole sense of the word. And I knew it meant that menopause was looming. My youth was snatched away... All in one day.
    So, my friend.. I understand. My husband was and is great with his wacky wife, life has gone on. It's different, there's adjustments to be made, but you'll make them, just as I did.... Because we have Jesus...
    Now all I have to deal with is living 8 miles south of Lebanon.. Pray for us ! :)
    Love and Shalom,
    Sue

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