Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Letting Go

I held my baby girl last night. She nestled in, which is unusual for her. I think she's missed me as much as I have missed her. I cried silently in the stillness of the moment. I haven't been able to hold her for four weeks.
The last few weeks have been difficult. Heart wrenching.
I have in my mind the image of the kind of parent I want to be. It's above and beyond anything I could ever attain, even on my best day. I've had to surrender all of those expectations of myself.
But there is this other part of being a parent that is different from ideals or even good intentions. It is that desire I have for my children. The longing in my heart to care for them, to provide for and nurture. The part of me that can pick their voice out of a crowd of noisy children. The part of me that wants to comfort them when they are hurt, to run to them. It's that desire to impart my values, to teach them, to keep them safe, to be close to them.
This is what I've been forced to surrender. And I do so unwillingly. Although I do trust that God will work this out for good, my heart aches. A deeper ache than I've ever experienced. It's my inability to take care of my children.
My children.
My children.
Maybe that's the problem.
They aren't mine.
They don't belong to me.
Surrender.
Surrender the things that are closest to my heart?
What does it mean to really surrender?
To really lay it all down. All of my desires. My will.
When I think I've given all, when I think I've completely yielded, I realize I've only scratched the surface.
There is still so much "mine" and "I want" in my heart.
I cannot imagine the amount of selflessness it took for Jesus to willingly suffer torture and crucifixion. He had to yield his will, every day, every minute, leading up to that moment when he gave all.
He resisted every desire, every good thing life has to offer.
So that we could be free.
Free from sin. Free from bondage. Free from death.
So that we could choose.
God's will or my will.
I'm learning to choose God's will. And to trust Him with the things that are closest to my heart. Things that are the hardest to let go.

"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor." ~John 12:24-26

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