Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I tried on post-op clothing today. I was forced to face the reality of my upcoming surgery. I must confess that as I ponder it, my heart grows heavy. It is bothersome in so many ways.
Will it be painful?
How long will it take to recover?
How deformed will I be?
Will I be disgusted and repulsed when I look at my body?
How will I handle the loss?
Will they find even more cancer?
So many unknowns.

As I was agonizing over this, I felt a deep reassurance that God would be with me. My body relaxed as the stress and heaviness lifted. Tears pooled in my eyes as I felt the sweet comfort. For I know that if God is with me, I can face anything!
Then my mind went to Jesus, on the cross. "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?" He cried.
Did God really forsake him? Did Jesus have to face death alone? Did God really abandon him in his darkest hour - or did Jesus, in his agony, just feel that way? Or was it my sin that made God have to turn away, as Jesus took it upon himself?
It makes my heart sad.
I feel so selfish. My relationship with God is selfish to the core. I wish it wasn't so, but I can't help it. I need God. Every part of me longs for Him, and for what He gives me. As if God was made for me, to give me pleasure, rather than the other way around.
Oh, how I long to be an empty vessel! To be rid of selfishness. To be completely yielded to God. To live knowing I've been created for His pleasure. I'm made for His glory, not my own.
Yet, I don't even know what that looks like. What would my life be like, entirely, unselfishly devoted to God? Every ounce of selfishness removed?

Oh selfish heart! Go away! Let my life be one that serves God wholly. Let my life proclaim the glory of my Maker.

1 comment:

  1. Just read an eye opening article on Jesus being abandoned by God while on the cross: in Bible times, it was an accepted practice, used to direct worshippers in synagogue to the right section of the scriptures, for the speaker to start off with the first sentence of the portion of scripture to be read.
    It's probable that when Jesus spoke "my God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me, he was actually directing us to that portion of scripture we know as Psalm 22..these words then change from a cry of abandonment to words solidifying Jesus' deity...prophecy fulfilled :)