Wednesday, August 4, 2010


It's been almost five weeks since my first chemo treatment. Just five weeks.
This is supposed to take a year. And I haven't even gotten to the hard part yet.
I'm tired. Already.
I'm tired of depending on others to do those things I can usually do myself.
I'm tired of doctor's appointments and health concerns.
I'm tired of discomfort, pain, fatigue.
I'm tired of staying home,
sitting on the couch,
watching others take care of my kids.
Most of all, I'm tired of relationships being one-sided. Where I receive, and have nothing to give.
I'm discouraged. And I pray that God would send someone to encourage me.

Yet there comes a time in life where one must learn to encourage oneself.
To not give in to the thoughts and feelings of discouragement, disappointment, doubt, weariness.
For me, that time is now.

"...David strengthened himself in the LORD his God." ~1 Samuel 30:6

I must be like David! I must wait on the Lord. Patiently. Cheerfully.
I choose to be strengthened by His word, to believe what He promises me.
About trials, about hardship, about suffering, and about glory.

"My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." ~Psalm 62:1-2

I lift up my tired eyes. I lift up my tired hands. I turn my gaze to my Creator.
I turn my thoughts away from myself, from my circumstances, from the things that pull me down.
I think on those things which are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy.
And I am strengthened! I'm encouraged! Already!

"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:28-31


  1. Don't lose faith.

    Don't lose hope.

    Don't let yourself feel the heavy arms of exhaustion wrapping around you. You will make it through this. You will live and you will prosper. Don't give in to the tiredness; this may only be the beginning of your journey, but this is a journey that will teach you lessons in your life. This is a journey that you want to watch, pay attention to, be alert during -- not a journey that you want to shuffle through without learning a thing.

    Don't grow tired, for you must fight through.

  2. I love reading your journal. It brings me to my knees. I pray that the Lord provides you with rest, courage and faith.

    For you to give, is for you to receive with thankfulness. Your time will come. Someone will need your strength and insight someday, when they succumb to the fear upon hearing "that" word.

    It is a long process. My sister went through Ovarian Cancer last year. She does not believe in God. She was lost in her fear, with no hope. She went through 6 months of chemo and surgery to remove all of the cancer. Now she still waits. She doesn't have the joy that you have, which is inspired from the Lord. Her fears consume her daily life, her mind and strikes her heart into panic attacks.

    I am so glad that the Lord is holding and helping you through this. You are inspiration to me.


  3. Sweet Stephanie --

    Your words, your faith, your example to others -- that is what you are giving to us. Your's is a gift of GREAT measure -- one that can only be given by someone going through a trial. You are pouring out your heart and imparting wisdom and blessing so MANY people.

    The journey of life, even in a trial, can only be taken one day, one step at a time. So, as you walk this out, let our prayers wash over you and feel the love of all those who care about and for you.

    Sara Jones

  4. Because you feel in need, Stephanie, maybe relationships feel one sided to you. But that's a misperception. You have a great deal to offer to others, certainly to me, and your situation magnifies what you are able to give.


  5. You give honesty and humility. Many people don't ever learn how to do this. You give testimony of faith in trials. Many people are unwilling to look up when their heads hang low. You give blessings to those who are called to service at this time by being a gracious receiver. You bring grace and dignity to your family legacy, where others have chosen to hide in fear and give anxiety the foothold. You give a sweet smelling fragrance to your heavenly father with your offering of worship by faith. May God richly bless you as you continue to give of yourself.

  6. Your years of honest friendship, real love in up times and down times and the tenacity in which you face this trial have been an inspiration to me, as I am sure it has been to anyone who knows you. Thank you for blogging, Steph! It is such an honor to be part of your journey. Continue looking up to where your help comes from. Keep your arms lifted to our Lord. I am sure this sentiment is echoed from all who love you; When the battle seems long, we will count it a privilege and not a duty, to stand with you in prayer and in deed, to lift your arms and hold them secure until the victory has come. Victory will come! And we will ALL be on the receiving end of it! Love you!