Friday, July 16, 2010

Being Normal

This week I felt good, physically. I did normal things. Fun things.
Yet, at the end of each day, I felt down, and discouraged.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
I try to forget. To pretend things are normal.
In the midst of having fun, it is as if I'm out in the cold. In the dark. In the snow.
I'm standing outside of the house, looking in. Seeing the warmth, the light, the friends. All having fun. Enjoying life. With no worries. Without the burdens that weigh me down.
And I long to be in the house. To be warm. To be care free.
Then I snap out of it. I get caught in the moment. I forget my worries. I enjoy life, like I've never enjoyed life.
But something always pulls me back. Always a reminder. A pain. A fear. And I'm back outside, looking in.
I know I'm not alone. As I look around and see the world, seemingly care free, seemingly normal, I realize that most people have a burden that they carry. Often going through the motions of having fun and being normal, but weighed down by worries, failures, brokenness.
My heart aches. My heart longs for a place without sin. Without pain. Without worry.
And I know this is not how God intended it.
My hope is in a God who heals. A God who comforts. A God who restores.
I lay my burdens at His feet. Knowing my joy, my peace, my freedom come from him. Anything else is just an illusion.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." ~Hebrews 4:16

4 comments:

  1. I know what you mean by being on the outside looking in. That's how I've felt for most all of my life. I am finding more moments and days when His peace is my protection, but the other stuff steals it.

    I have been thinking about you and your struggles and your faith. It is amazing that any of us can make it through the trials of our lives and still believe. THAT is the miracle. That is the test of faith. Just making it through and still believing.

    Keep hanging on...

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  2. So profound Steph. Praying for you, loving you so much. Thank you for sharing what the Lord is doing in your heart. We are all being challenged through your walk right now.

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  3. I know that as I have gone through trials, one in particular that was the hardest time of my life, and I kept thinking....if I knew that it would eventually get better or if I could just know there would be an end of this misery I could endure. Kind of like laboring a baby, you feel that intense, extreme physical pain and you know that it will be over soon so you can endure it. Now that I'm through the trial I see the insights I have gained and how much less I take things for granted. You are an amazing woman and always have been. I've known you for so many years and you have never ceased to amaze me!

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  4. Stephanie, the way you express your feelings is so amazing. I have shared some of your blogs to our friends who are praying for you. Jane, who is a pastor's wife, said that she is sending your blogs to some of her friends who are going through very difficult trials. Even in your struggles, you are helping others. Blessings to you, dear Stephanie. We will keep praying.

    Much, much love,

    paula

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