Monday, June 28, 2010

Unspeakable Joy

I'm a procrastinator. And I've never been particularly good at making myself do things that I don't want to do. Today was the first step in a race that I don't want to run. As we were driving to the hospital to have the port installed in my chest, every ounce of me wanted to turn the car around and go back home. With tears in my eyes, I told Damie, "I don't want to do this." I thought about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. It brought me comfort, remembering that Jesus felt the same way. He knows the cry of my heart. He feels my sorrow.

Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." ~Matthew 26:38-39

That was my cry today. "Take this cup from me!" The second part didn't come as easily, "Not as I will, but as you will." And I realize that this trial is a death to my will. Death to all the things that hold me back. Death to the things in my life that don't matter. Fear. Insecurity. Vanity. Selfishness. I find freedom in that. And joy. Unspeakable joy.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. ~1 Peter 1:6-9

4 comments:

  1. You are so brave. In your weakness, you are finding great strength. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. What amazing things you are learning, Steph!!!! AND, you are deliberately seeking to learn...that is what I see. You are allowing yourself to be molded and used by God. I pray for continued courage and peace. God is with you always.

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  3. Stephanie,
    Praying for you daily sweet friend. The strength that the LORD is giving you is so wonderful. You are an inspiration to me dear friend. Hugs to you and I am praying that we see your face on the 4th. I am so glad that you have Jesus to walk with you! He won't leave you!
    Elicia

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  4. thank you for your posts. they are so inspiring. They are so passionate and intimate. they draw me closer to Jesus just reading them. You're in our prayers

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